


i left a part of me back in xhorhas

by StudioCapsicum



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/M, I don't remember what it's about, I'm just trying to convince him that he deserves to be happy, Oh the traveler is in it too, Vilya is in this briefly, and Caleb deals with some emotions, cause they're buddies, he's sad, yasha talks to Caleb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25896748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StudioCapsicum/pseuds/StudioCapsicum
Summary: Caleb can't be on the island anymore. But what happens when someone catches him trying to leave in the middle of the night?Post ep 106
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 3
Kudos: 76





	i left a part of me back in xhorhas

She found him drawing familiar symbols in chalk on the ground. 

‘Caleb?’ she said, her voice thick with sleep. ‘What are you doing?’ 

A curtain of hair covered his face, and she watched him freeze as soon as her voice broke the silence. The rest of the group were sleeping four feet away, and they’d slept through the temperature change as soon as the dome had dropped. But Yasha had always been a light sleeper. 

She heard some light grumblings from the group but they soon quietened. 

‘Is that a teleportation circle?’ she asked, wanting to be wrong. 

She saw an almost imperceptible nod of his head. 

He was trying to leave. 

‘Why?’ her voice was shakier than she intended. Why would he leave now of all times. Travelercon was under a week away. Jester still needed him. 

But he looked up at her and there were dried tear tracks on his face. His eyes had dark circles under them, and she couldn’t remember how long they’d been there. His hand was shaking as he held the chalk till his knuckles were white. 

‘I can’t be here any longer, Yasha.’ He whispered, trying to stay quiet so the others didn’t wake. ‘I’ll be back before they wake up, I just. I need to leave this island.’ 

He was on his knees, almost begging at her feet. 

‘Caleb-’ she started, but with a flick of his wrist, he was gone. 

She didn’t get much sleep that night. 

* * *

He didn’t get any sleep that night either. He wore tracks in the floor of the Xhorhaus, pacing back and forth until he finally settled. 

‘Traveler?’ he whispered into the dark room. ‘I’m sure you are busy, you have a lot on but. You’re the only one of the gods that I can’t refute the existence of. Not that you’re a God. But I’ve seen your followers, you don’t just listen to Jester.’

‘I don’t think what I have to ask is part of your wheelhouse. But I don’t know who else to have this conversation with.’

‘I’m nothing like your followers, they’re fun and love to joke and paint and draw and play pranks. I don’t remember the last time I did any of that.’ 

‘My friends have a lot going on right now. And I needed someone to talk to.’ His voice cracked at that last sentence like he was back in the academy, a teenager. 

‘That island, I really. I did not like it. The whole time I was there, I was convinced I was going to lose my memory and I couldn’t figure out whether to feel good about that, or not. But we were there for Jester, and I- I care about her a lot.’ The last words were barely audible, but somehow they also resounded in the large, empty house. 

‘And then I did lose my memory, and I was happy for two minutes. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be free. I hate that I liked it. That I even had a taste of that.’ He sucked in a breath. ‘I know I shouldn’t hate that about myself, that I feel happy. But every time it happens I can’t breathe, I can’t escape my thoughts that tell me “you’re not worth this. You don’t deserve this.”’ Surprisingly, this was the calmest he’d felt since he arrived in Rumblecusp, repeating the words of his conscience. 

‘Telling Yasha that she deserves to be happy. And she does. There’s just part of me that wishes I could tell myself that. Or that someone would tell me that. But the other part of me screams when I think that, like The Calamity is happening in my mind.’ 

‘I can’t ask this of my friends, I just thought maybe I could ask you to listen. Because I don’t want to weigh the rest of them down. And I don’t want your powers or anything, I just. I don’t know why I’m doing this.’ 

It’s not like he expected the Traveler to actually listen. Or to be there. But the emptiness of the room was palpable. He could hear a pin drop. 

That tracked. He was alone again, begging for help, with no one listening. 

* * *

  
‘How did everybody sleep?’ Jester grinned, delighting in the groans from the group as she opened the front door and let the light shine over all her friends. 

‘Jester shut the door,’ Beau complained, ‘I was sleeping.’ She rolled onto her other side, trying to block the sun from her eyes. 

‘It’s a beau-tiful morning!’ Jester sing-songed, emphasising Beau’s name. 

‘Caleb where’s the dome, can’t you make it block Jester out?’ Beau groaned. 

‘Sorry,’ Caleb’s voice was husky from exhaustion that he was trying to mask, ‘I went on a walk last night so there is no dome.’ 

He could feel Yasha’s eyes boring into the side of his head. 

‘Where did you go? Did you go for a poop?’ Jester grinned, smiling even though she noticed the dark circles under his eyes, his slow blinks and the way his body seemed to collapse into itself when she looked at him. 

‘Ja, Jester. I did.' 

Yasha stood up from the group and interrupted anything Jester would have asked about his late night poop, "So what are we doing today?"

* * *

  
Jester had her eyes on him the whole day, but he didn't seem that different. Maybe a little more quiet. A little tired. She hated that she couldn't tell. 

It approached night time again, after a long day of discussing plans for the people of Vo, giving them money, teleporting them to places as close to their old homes as possible. Mainly it was Vilya and Caleb doing the work. But everyone helped. 

'Could you do the last group, Vilya? I am tapped.' Caleb said. The sun was almost setting over the horizon and it was casting vibrant oranges and reds and purples all over their skin. Jester made a note to paint this moment, with Caleb sitting on the ground, chalk in hand, his eyes reflecting the variety of colours cascading from the heavens. 

But something was off, 'Don't you have one more spell, Caleb?' she asked. 

His eyes shot to her and she watched the muscle in his jaw twitch. 'Counting my spells now, Blueberry?' he asked, calling her blueberry to make himself seem more relaxed than he was. But she just raised an eyebrow.

'No, I-'

'This last group is going to Tal'dorei, as is Vilya. I wanted to keep a larger spell for us in case something goes bump in the night, and we do not have a very capable druid to help us.' He grinned easily at Vilya who smiled back. 

'It's fine, Jester. I'm taking them to my home and from there I can help them get to their homes in Tal'dorei. I will be sorry to say goodbye to you all though.' She smiled fondly at them all, they reminded her so much of a group of friends she had once made before getting stuck on this island. Friends supporting each other, in battle and outside. She knew they'd make it. 

'But I am excited to get back to my family. So I'll have to leave you.' She accepted a hug from Jester before she cast Tree Stride and ushered the last of the Vo community leaving the island through the tree, sending a parting wave towards the Mighty Mein, hoping she'd be able to tell a story about some intrepid adventurers to her daughter when she got home. Keyleth loved stories like that. 

* * *

It was Jester who stayed up this night. Pretending to sleep. She was curled on her side, facing away from the rest of the group. Sprinkle was curled into her, looking peaceful for once as he slept. She trailed her fingers through his fur gently, and waited until she heard a tell-tale scrape of chalk against the floor. 

She knew it took Caleb ten minutes to cast this spell, to finish drawing out all the funny symbols that meant nothing to her. It was probably the same as drawing a bunch of dicks and captain tusktooth symbols, she bet it didn't matter whether the symbols meant anything. Just that someone drew them. 

She waited nine and a half minutes before quietly standing up and sneaking behind him, one foot in the teleportation circle as he draw the last line and they both bamfed away. 

And then they were in the Xhorhaus, Caleb scrabbling to his feet in shock before he realised that the person behind him was Jester. 

'What are you doing here?' they asked simultaneously, Caleb trying to calm his heartrate after being startled. 

'Jester you scared me. I didn't know you were awake.' 

'Remember when you told me to not walk off during the night, when we were in the jungle? I thought that was a two way promise, Caleb.' 

She looked hurt. He didn't mean to hurt her but he'd fucked up again, hadn't he? 

'Jester, I'm sorry. I just cannot sleep on that island.' his eyes were wide with apologies, 'I wasn't going to leave you. I would be back before you woke up.' 

'Why didn't you just tell us? We could have come with you.' she couldn't decide whether she was hurt or furious, her voice dipped into a space in-between. 'You don't get to just leave like that.'

He didn't think anyone would listen if he told them. He didn't think anyone would care. He didn't think anyone would give a fuck that he hadn't slept since he had his memories wiped. That anyone would trust him after he almost reduced one of them to ashes. 

'I'm sorry, Jester. I just couldn't sleep, I wanted to be in a real bed tonight.'

'He's lying,' she heard the familiar voice whisper in her ear. 'Well, maybe not lying but not telling the whole truth,' the voice drifted away. 

'Would you tell me? If something was actually wrong?' she said, aware of the dark room that Caleb hadn't lit up. 

Maybe he didn't want to see her that clearly. 

'Of course.'

She was silent for a few seconds, but he made to move past her, 'Why are you lying to me?' 

He stopped in his tracks, silence stretching until it was thin enough to crack. 'I don't want to.' 

'Then tell me the truth.' She looked up at him, and he stood closer than she realised. His eyes were a soft blue that she could see even in the darkness. His stubble was getting longer after their time on the island, long enough that she could barely see the cleft in his chin anymore. 

'I've tried, Blueberry, but you're the one person I can't seem to tell the truth to,' he couldn't even look her in the eyes as he said this, just stared at a point on the wall until he felt her hand on his jaw, as she repositioned him to look at her. 

'Caleb, you deserve to feel as happy as you did before I cast greater restoration the other day. You deserve to feel that without having to forget everything. I- We don't say it often enough. I know this island has been hard for you. I know your memories mean a lot and it was probably really scary to try to sleep, knowing you could wake up with them gone.' Her fingers slid so her hand was cupping his head, and she could feel him lean into it. 

She tried to not notice how soft his hair was against her hand, how his stubble had rasped against her palm. How his blue eyes got even bluer when they reflected her skin. 

'You deserve to be happy,' she whispered, before she leaned up to him and met his lips.

He gasped against her mouth and barely moved as she gently kissed him, feeling his stubble against her lips. 

He was frozen still as she pulled away slightly and repositioned herself in front of him, pulling his head down to meet hers again.

This time, he kissed her back. 

He was gentle, as if he was handling something precious. But she knew that she was the one holding something delicate. She moved slowly against him, her tongue chasing the fire inside him, feeling as he softened into her and allowed himself to touch her. 

She felt the vibrations as he moaned slightly into the kiss, almost scaring himself at the sound of his own voice. But her hands in his hair kept him in the moment and he couldn't believe this was happening. 

She pulled away slightly, his forehead resting on hers. 'Wow,' she whispered, smiling slightly. 

She could feel him tense up slightly when he looked at her, when he realised what had happened, 'Caleb, do I make you happy?' she asked, her voice barely making a sound. 

'Ja.' he said almost immediately. 'Nothing more than you,' he felt the guilt encroach on this moment, no matter how hard he tried to push it away. 

'You deserve to be happy.'

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I just think they should talk. And kiss. And have a moment alone. And I think he needs someone to talk to. 
> 
> I literally didn't mean to write a kiss and then I was halfway through it like whoops what can you do. I'm just a conduit for the story folks, I do not control the words.


End file.
